How's it been

Why, hello there. It's been 3 years. I wonder if there's anyone who stumbled upon this dusty blog. For the past 3 years or lesser than that, my life has been filled with ups and downs. Hurdles by hurdles keep coming by. Although it was tiring to be facing the same shitty things, I managed to overcome, Alhamdulillah.

So, along those 3 years, I didn't update my life through this blog, I met tons of friends- of those that help and of those that pretend. What's new anyway. But life has been interesting ever since. Those that I did not expect to be friends with are the ones that actually help me through thick and thin. Who put up with me, knowing for the fact that they will never gain anything. I don't have the money to offer nor the power to make them happy and yet, they stay.

Ever since my breakup, it was hard for me to approach people, so many things happen back then. Yeah, I did reminisce a lot but more to the part where no one stood beside me when I faced through the pain, except my family. And Jo, obviously. Jo was always there, helping me, guide me with his words. He is the definition of a true friend. Love you big time Jo.  My family and Jo were the ones who believed whats good in me when I was toxic to my surrounding. They see the goods in me, they really did. My mom, my sisters were the ones that hugged me through all the pain I suffer. My dad who encourage me a lott too, trying their best to see the smile I once always put on. Through all the fakes that didn't stand up for me when all those people talk shit about me, the fakers that I have to face every day, in order for me to get going. The people who just trying to blend in. I highly appreciate those that didn't give a fuck. At least they were genuine, they are better than the rest that knew what was going on, saying that they were on no one's side but by their actions, were saying vice versa.

To be really honest, put the blame on me when it comes to my previous relationship. I was toxic. I can never argue with that phrase. I was a mess. I was just trying so hard to seek attention from someone, I was desperate, I want to be loved and I want to love. It all backfired. Yall can guess why I'm single up until now. No matter how many times I utter, I want a boyfriend. Deep down, I'm not ready. I did fall in love after my break up, I did confess, I did get rejected. But all along, the feeling started just because I was lonely, I knew it was not real. So I pretend to be strong and pretend that all those rejections didn't get the best of me. So I smile. I wonder if anyone notices that my smile had a sense of loneliness towards it.

No matter how hard I try to be nice to everyone, people always point out on my anger issue and how blunt I am when it comes to things. It's easy for people to play the victim card when they're up against me. Just play the victim. When I get angry, you'll know who to blame after that. But I can't put the blame on anyone. My temper is just one of my base personality. I can't get rid of it, even when I want to. I desperately control it, to the point where people just "pijak kepala". And when it reaches my limit, when I snapped, people will just forget about what's good in me and just see how I really have a bad temper and how I never give people second chances. When in fact I gave millions of chances, I try to see what's good in people, even the slightest, I try so hard to be so lenient. I did try to understand. But they never see how hard I try to understand people's feeling. I just want what's best for everyone.

But, some did apologize for their mistakes, for all the hard days I went through because of them. They really did apologize. Thank you for that. I really hope that what you did, by apologizing for what they did to me, I hope something good happens in your life. May they be blessed for whatever kindness. And for those that play pretend until now, continue doing that. As bad as I am, I just hope you find the meaning of genuine. Cause I did. And I really hope it will last long.

Even if it's for a short period of time, I won't feel any regret, cause I know my feelings towards the ones that I have now, especially the twins, and fanna whom constantly helping me, knowing how bad my jokes can be, knowing how twisted my head is and knowing my dark sides, they still stay. They still shower me with nothing but happiness. And today, I was also touched by my friend's word who said that she thanked my mother for giving birth to someone like me. That alone had me crying a river and I hope her life is full of loving people.

At first, I just want to rant about how no matter how beautiful or good looking you are, if your personality and mentality is ugly, and you're just using people for the sake of fame. Or you befriended people just because they're popular, or beautiful or anything that leads you to  USING THEM, then your life must be sad. And you will never have people that are genuine towards you. But even if you did, bless the people who try to see the good in you, even when you're just using them.

As for now, there's so much I want to improve myself. Still trying to be the best version of Zat. Constantly want to be someone who my mom can depend on, of course not chores. I can never be excellent with chores and cooking. I don't even know why. And constantly trying to improve myself, to be someone that Allah wants me to be.

And thank you to those, who love me for who I am. Those who silently pray for my happiness. Those who wished nothing but success. I pray nothing but the best for you guys. To more updates I guess ?

A letter to the 18 year old me

Reckless, stupid, obnoxious, wild, you named it. Been there, still there and almost done being there. There are so many should've and there are so many times I wished I could go back, although that is merely impossible for a mortal like me. Funny how within a year, I changed a lot and have different perspectives on so many things. So, before I turn 19, I dedicate this post for my dear 18 years old who had suffered from heartbreaks, foes and so much more

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Hi, Izzaty. Are you okay? Guess you're still in pain, aren't you? Don't worry, you'll be better. In fact, you won't believe how after 19, you'll have the best time of your life. Tho you might struggle still, I guarantee you it'll be better than what you're experiencing right now. Guess I should give you some of advising that would help you gain the happiness you've been longing for.

First and foremost, it's never okay to release your anger by punching the walls and smashing things,zat. It really is not okay. What you really need to do is just,  stay calm and let sabr and iman dominate you. Let it loose. I know it's hard but believe that Allah is watching,zat. You are stronger than the anger and ego within you. Take ambulation if you feel that something annoys or testing your temper, insyaAllah that will ease the fire within. Sometimes I know that we tend to not realize what's going on when rage gets the best of you. I know that no one knows how hard you've been trying to hold your anger. How you get easily annoyed with what people did to you. Sometimes you cried in silence and sometimes you can't help it, you cried in public. I know how hard you're trying to endure the things that people asked you to changed. All your little and big flaws that you have once embraced no longer have you embraced.

You try to be the best version of you but zat, why can't you please yourself first before you please others? Why is it so hard for you to love yourself more than you love the people around you? Why can't you take care of your heart and let it smashed, torn million of times? It's not okay. Never it is. You tried to fix things but broken things are so hard to fix, zat. You don't have the power. I know you've been through depression after you broke up. You lose weight, you lost yourself. You cried, you made your parents worried, you made your family worried and you made Allah worried about you. All the little things that you secretly did for someone, all the little things you did for everyone regardless,  and everything oh zat, you've done more than enough.

Nonetheless,zat, don't ever let emotion get the best of you. You let it best during your final. You let yourself down so, act wisely and be brave. Be the kind of woman everyone can respect. Be that woman who everyone loves to be around with. You're not dramatic nor an autocratic leader, don't let what they have to say about you get the best of you. You're not too hard to deal with, zat. And the way you speak, trust me it's not that harsh. You're just a perfectionist and you know what you want. You're just being real about yourself and those who can't accept you for who you are, let them be. You're a sensitive kind of person. But don't be too sensitive. It's not healthy. Love the people who have hurt you, but don't ever be like them. You befriended people who have hurt you countless of times so, stop. Cut the connection. Oh, you don't have to worry about who's gonna be your next man. Allah has written your spouse name long before you were born so chill out, be the best version of you first and when the time has come, you'll meet before you even know it. I'm glad you're changing. I'm glad that you didn't forget about Allah, the Almighty, the All-Hearing and the Most Forgiving.

To be honest, you've done pretty well surviving. You're a wonderful person. If you do not feel pretty on the outside, be pretty on the inside. Tan is also a beautiful complexion too, remember that. Change your mindset. And that crooked teeth of yours, let it be. You don't have to wear braces,zat. Be unique and be different. As long as Allah love the way you look and embraced your inner and outer self, everything will be alright. Sabr and be tolerant. That's the key to having an amazing life. That it is, don't ever stop praying and smile. Cause our dimples are our best asset after all !!! xoxo