How's it been

Why, hello there. It's been 3 years. I wonder if there's anyone who stumbled upon this dusty blog. For the past 3 years or lesser than that, my life has been filled with ups and downs. Hurdles by hurdles keep coming by. Although it was tiring to be facing the same shitty things, I managed to overcome, Alhamdulillah.

So, along those 3 years, I didn't update my life through this blog, I met tons of friends- of those that help and of those that pretend. What's new anyway. But life has been interesting ever since. Those that I did not expect to be friends with are the ones that actually help me through thick and thin. Who put up with me, knowing for the fact that they will never gain anything. I don't have the money to offer nor the power to make them happy and yet, they stay.

Ever since my breakup, it was hard for me to approach people, so many things happen back then. Yeah, I did reminisce a lot but more to the part where no one stood beside me when I faced through the pain, except my family. And Jo, obviously. Jo was always there, helping me, guide me with his words. He is the definition of a true friend. Love you big time Jo.  My family and Jo were the ones who believed whats good in me when I was toxic to my surrounding. They see the goods in me, they really did. My mom, my sisters were the ones that hugged me through all the pain I suffer. My dad who encourage me a lott too, trying their best to see the smile I once always put on. Through all the fakes that didn't stand up for me when all those people talk shit about me, the fakers that I have to face every day, in order for me to get going. The people who just trying to blend in. I highly appreciate those that didn't give a fuck. At least they were genuine, they are better than the rest that knew what was going on, saying that they were on no one's side but by their actions, were saying vice versa.

To be really honest, put the blame on me when it comes to my previous relationship. I was toxic. I can never argue with that phrase. I was a mess. I was just trying so hard to seek attention from someone, I was desperate, I want to be loved and I want to love. It all backfired. Yall can guess why I'm single up until now. No matter how many times I utter, I want a boyfriend. Deep down, I'm not ready. I did fall in love after my break up, I did confess, I did get rejected. But all along, the feeling started just because I was lonely, I knew it was not real. So I pretend to be strong and pretend that all those rejections didn't get the best of me. So I smile. I wonder if anyone notices that my smile had a sense of loneliness towards it.

No matter how hard I try to be nice to everyone, people always point out on my anger issue and how blunt I am when it comes to things. It's easy for people to play the victim card when they're up against me. Just play the victim. When I get angry, you'll know who to blame after that. But I can't put the blame on anyone. My temper is just one of my base personality. I can't get rid of it, even when I want to. I desperately control it, to the point where people just "pijak kepala". And when it reaches my limit, when I snapped, people will just forget about what's good in me and just see how I really have a bad temper and how I never give people second chances. When in fact I gave millions of chances, I try to see what's good in people, even the slightest, I try so hard to be so lenient. I did try to understand. But they never see how hard I try to understand people's feeling. I just want what's best for everyone.

But, some did apologize for their mistakes, for all the hard days I went through because of them. They really did apologize. Thank you for that. I really hope that what you did, by apologizing for what they did to me, I hope something good happens in your life. May they be blessed for whatever kindness. And for those that play pretend until now, continue doing that. As bad as I am, I just hope you find the meaning of genuine. Cause I did. And I really hope it will last long.

Even if it's for a short period of time, I won't feel any regret, cause I know my feelings towards the ones that I have now, especially the twins, and fanna whom constantly helping me, knowing how bad my jokes can be, knowing how twisted my head is and knowing my dark sides, they still stay. They still shower me with nothing but happiness. And today, I was also touched by my friend's word who said that she thanked my mother for giving birth to someone like me. That alone had me crying a river and I hope her life is full of loving people.

At first, I just want to rant about how no matter how beautiful or good looking you are, if your personality and mentality is ugly, and you're just using people for the sake of fame. Or you befriended people just because they're popular, or beautiful or anything that leads you to  USING THEM, then your life must be sad. And you will never have people that are genuine towards you. But even if you did, bless the people who try to see the good in you, even when you're just using them.

As for now, there's so much I want to improve myself. Still trying to be the best version of Zat. Constantly want to be someone who my mom can depend on, of course not chores. I can never be excellent with chores and cooking. I don't even know why. And constantly trying to improve myself, to be someone that Allah wants me to be.

And thank you to those, who love me for who I am. Those who silently pray for my happiness. Those who wished nothing but success. I pray nothing but the best for you guys. To more updates I guess ?