End of year 2020

 What a hell of a roller coaster for 2020..and it's not even the end ?


Hello ! Here's a part 2 of my 2020. Life has been pretty good and hectic. Yet again, I am without a doubt love the busy-ness. I look forward with the task I am handling and safe to say, team lead and seniors are satisfied with what I am doing ! Alhamdulillah with His guidance..

I joined a lot of trainings here and there to develop my soft skills and I was deeply affected by the human leadership course I recently joined. I realized how when it comes to leadership, most people, and I mean including me lack the knowledge of error traps. This made me realized that instead of focusing more on the person who made mistakes, we should analyze as to why that person made mistakes. It could be that person may be overloaded with work hence, causing fatigue and stress... In what way we can help to reduce the error traps ? In simple terms , To understand that human errors are inevitable but people must not be our focal point. 


I love how the course brought so much confidence in me. I am of those that are highly afraid of making mistakes hence, making me of those risk averse person. I am afraid that people would think badly of me, thinking I am incapable of handling tasks so I was always afraid of speaking my thoughts out to people. It's rather sad because I was not like this. I was someone who voices out her opinions when she needs to. But once I started working, I begin to realize that there's more people out there that are way smarter, way better than me. So, sometimes I feel like there's no use of saying or asking something that is irrelevant or stupid. I keep on thinking how am I suppose to shine the brightest when I am one of the dullest here ? The insecurities keep crashing in when I should know better, saying negative things about myself would never do me any good. All this comparison and what for ? What's worse, I'm comparing myself with someone with 8 - 10 years of experience.

When I realized that I should just do my best and keep on learning, that's when things got better and my work pace is much smoother. I was able to grasp and handle the entities assigned without flaw. I am abundantly grateful to Allah for showing me the way to shine brighter without comparison. And now, I'm taking all the opportunities that come knocking my door even if it took my precious precious sleep away. I rather fill myself up with knowledge than sitting down without doing nothing and thinking why I'm still at the bottom. I'm proud of myself. What's more, I'm proud of who I am becoming ! 

As of my personal life, there's nothing interesting. It's the same ol' same ol' life. I moved to a better place with better roommates which is something positive to me! My sister knows how to drive now so I no longer have to worry about finding a place that is not near to LRT. Consequently, life has been rather settling except my hectic working life - which I honestly loved. I am workaholic by nature anyway ( and perfectionist at that - the worst trait ever).

I guess that is it for now hehe. I have nothing to update but I just wanted to write something haha!


Stay tuned for more,

IzzatyA.



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Recap till 2020 Part 1



I think it's becoming a thing for me to update this blog after 2 years and a half.. Yo gurl is 23 now yikess...

Well hello there. How's it been ? My life has been quite hectic lately due to work but I have this sudden urge to just update this blog so i can read it back if I were ever to need it. This is gonna a long rant so bear with me as I try to recap what happened for the past 3 years till now.

Phew.. who would ever thought I would be single till now? I do had some flings here and there, but it never worked out. It's not what I wanted, and maybe not what the significant other want to as well. My love life as always, been a roller coaster ride. A never-ending heartbreak, rejections and the sudden loss of feelings for crushes. Although, deep down inside I've always wanted to settle down. Not that I ever played around to begin with, but settle down. In a sense where I have someone who I can love and he loves me back. In a sense where life becomes bearable because I have support ( not monetary wise..obviously..) mentally and physically. Someone who I know, will be there for me despite the negativity of life that befalls upon me. Well, I still have hope that this year would be THE year I meet that someone.. Nonetheless, no rush no rush. 

Regardless of the pain, I do enjoy having someone to love. Someone I could look forward to everyday but at the same time, I enjoy being alone, having my time and follow my pace. Oh the agony of Zat. What are the odds. Life has certainly amaze me. Moving on

Lets talk about my friendship for the past 3 years. I still hold on to the phrase 'people come and go' and as always, I step out from the toxicity when I have to. I end it when I have to. I don't reminisce or miss the people who put me through pain emotionally or talk shit about me behind my back and act so nice in front of me. And I don't fight. Leave if you want to but please don't come back. I am so so thankful that Allah never gave me the feeling of wanting to please people.And I appreciate my resources. I thank Allah for the people who came up to me and tell me what's been going on behind the curtain. And believe me, the ones that have walked out of my life, they have been amazing friends. Very amazing. They were there for me when things went downhill, and are the ones that push me towards pursuing my goal. May Allah always always bless them in this world and hereafter. 

Even so, I don't appreciate the insincerity and the lack of trust. The more you get to know me, the more you don't know me. Heck, I am still finding myself. Truth to be told, I went through breakdown so many times cause I was so fixated on whether what I was not good enough. Was my love that cheap to you ? Must I declare everyday that I love you? Must I give all my money and fill up my stories of you so that you know that I love you?. Was that all you care about in this friendship? I will never know and I do not want to know. The negativity and assuming about my behavior is just uncanny and I find it utterly disgusting to just assume things. I have my own flaws in friendship but in this case, I believe I made the right choice. If not feelings of wanting to be friends with them would still linger( never did, not once I ever missed our moments). Interesting right ? Who would have thought the happy go lucky Zat went through A LOTTTT of petty dramas. Moving onn..

Any of you holding up? There's a lot of negativity ain't it ? 2016 is nothing compared to what I went through 2019. Life had me there. But it's still alright and I love where I am now. Without the roller coaster, I would never grow. Best part of this drama, I gained tons a lot of new friends ! And much more amazing ones.

Appreciation post; I owe it all to you guys. It's embarrassing to say, I was very lonely during my 3rd year. The torment I went through with we all know who were just too much. I was always pretending I was okay with the negative vibe. Brushing it off when I heard things. More so, leaving alone is very tough, but y'all really made it better. Thank you for being such amazing friends to me. Really appreciate it to the core. To Ad and Sunita, you two are undeniably amazing. Click in one go. I don't know how I was able to be so comfortable with someone in just short amount of time, but you guys just did it so effortlessly. Amazing. And Puts, thank you for making it bearable for me. For attending my graduation, you know I love you more than you know (as how Ad says it).  Special thanks to Fanna, you've been there for me when things just went bizarre and never left my side. Not even once.  I don't know how to thank you and know that even when everyone is against you, you will always have my support. KakD, you are a goofball and I appreciate you for appreciating me. I love you for that. Okay, the rest, let me keep it in my heart. We may never know how life entertains us, but as of now, I am enjoying my company.

Now the mood has been lightened up, it's time for some success story.

I am thankful, from the bottom of my heart. Allah indeed, has BEAUTIFUL plans for me. Just when I thought I hit the rock bottom, He lifts me up with His hope and rizq. Alhamdulillah. I am undeniably grateful that I was able to get a job that I wanted. Great company, environment and everyone in my team is very supportive of me. My colleagues, my god. Perfect people. Beautiful and smart, a whole package each and every one of them. But do I feel insecure ? Never. Cause as soon as I compliment them, they compliment me ten thousand more. Compliments after compliments. Telling me what's good and what's not. It's always a beautiful time in the office, full of diversity and I LOVE  the working culture. And it is all thanks to ALLAH, the Almighty. 

More success story, I was able to graduate with distinction ! Yay ME ! I don't even know how I survive, but I survive. Uni life was great. Adorable juniors, seniors and lovely lecturers. I complained a lot but when I look back, it's been pretty fun. What's more, yo gurl just got shortlisted for Best Student for Undergraduate 2019. Truth to be told, I was actually shocked, just by being in the list with absolute talented people who contribute more to the university than I did. I just get some good grades, no more no less. Good life good life. 

I just feel like this blog needs a constant update so stay tuned for more. I hope you guys enjoy a glimpse ( tbh its mostly everything) about my life. To those that are in need of hope, there's always a bright sun waiting for you. Negative thinking will lead you nowhere. Always have high hopes that life will get better and be positive regardless of the situation. Life is beautiful. If you always think it that way :)





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How's it been

Why, hello there. It's been 3 years. I wonder if there's anyone who stumbled upon this dusty blog. For the past 3 years or lesser than that, my life has been filled with ups and downs. Hurdles by hurdles keep coming by. Although it was tiring to be facing the same shitty things, I managed to overcome, Alhamdulillah.

So, along those 3 years, I didn't update my life through this blog, I met tons of friends- of those that help and of those that pretend. What's new anyway. But life has been interesting ever since. Those that I did not expect to be friends with are the ones that actually help me through thick and thin. Who put up with me, knowing for the fact that they will never gain anything. I don't have the money to offer nor the power to make them happy and yet, they stay.

Ever since my breakup, it was hard for me to approach people, so many things happen back then. Yeah, I did reminisce a lot but more to the part where no one stood beside me when I faced through the pain, except my family. And Jo, obviously. Jo was always there, helping me, guide me with his words. He is the definition of a true friend. Love you big time Jo.  My family and Jo were the ones who believed whats good in me when I was toxic to my surrounding. They see the goods in me, they really did. My mom, my sisters were the ones that hugged me through all the pain I suffer. My dad who encourage me a lott too, trying their best to see the smile I once always put on. Through all the fakes that didn't stand up for me when all those people talk shit about me, the fakers that I have to face every day, in order for me to get going. The people who just trying to blend in. I highly appreciate those that didn't give a fuck. At least they were genuine, they are better than the rest that knew what was going on, saying that they were on no one's side but by their actions, were saying vice versa.

To be really honest, put the blame on me when it comes to my previous relationship. I was toxic. I can never argue with that phrase. I was a mess. I was just trying so hard to seek attention from someone, I was desperate, I want to be loved and I want to love. It all backfired. Yall can guess why I'm single up until now. No matter how many times I utter, I want a boyfriend. Deep down, I'm not ready. I did fall in love after my break up, I did confess, I did get rejected. But all along, the feeling started just because I was lonely, I knew it was not real. So I pretend to be strong and pretend that all those rejections didn't get the best of me. So I smile. I wonder if anyone notices that my smile had a sense of loneliness towards it.

No matter how hard I try to be nice to everyone, people always point out on my anger issue and how blunt I am when it comes to things. It's easy for people to play the victim card when they're up against me. Just play the victim. When I get angry, you'll know who to blame after that. But I can't put the blame on anyone. My temper is just one of my base personality. I can't get rid of it, even when I want to. I desperately control it, to the point where people just "pijak kepala". And when it reaches my limit, when I snapped, people will just forget about what's good in me and just see how I really have a bad temper and how I never give people second chances. When in fact I gave millions of chances, I try to see what's good in people, even the slightest, I try so hard to be so lenient. I did try to understand. But they never see how hard I try to understand people's feeling. I just want what's best for everyone.

But, some did apologize for their mistakes, for all the hard days I went through because of them. They really did apologize. Thank you for that. I really hope that what you did, by apologizing for what they did to me, I hope something good happens in your life. May they be blessed for whatever kindness. And for those that play pretend until now, continue doing that. As bad as I am, I just hope you find the meaning of genuine. Cause I did. And I really hope it will last long.

Even if it's for a short period of time, I won't feel any regret, cause I know my feelings towards the ones that I have now, especially the twins, and fanna whom constantly helping me, knowing how bad my jokes can be, knowing how twisted my head is and knowing my dark sides, they still stay. They still shower me with nothing but happiness. And today, I was also touched by my friend's word who said that she thanked my mother for giving birth to someone like me. That alone had me crying a river and I hope her life is full of loving people.

At first, I just want to rant about how no matter how beautiful or good looking you are, if your personality and mentality is ugly, and you're just using people for the sake of fame. Or you befriended people just because they're popular, or beautiful or anything that leads you to  USING THEM, then your life must be sad. And you will never have people that are genuine towards you. But even if you did, bless the people who try to see the good in you, even when you're just using them.

As for now, there's so much I want to improve myself. Still trying to be the best version of Zat. Constantly want to be someone who my mom can depend on, of course not chores. I can never be excellent with chores and cooking. I don't even know why. And constantly trying to improve myself, to be someone that Allah wants me to be.

And thank you to those, who love me for who I am. Those who silently pray for my happiness. Those who wished nothing but success. I pray nothing but the best for you guys. To more updates I guess ?
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